To My Younger Self

Recently, Ms. Kaijuanda Sutton asked me to speak at the Seventh Annual Amazingly Me Girls Empowerment Conference about self-love and dating. Her prompt was “What would you tell your younger self?”

Well, there are obviously many things I would have loved to learn at a younger age than I did, because I filled 14 pages with notes before cutting it all down to fit the time I had for my speech. This is the letter I came up with.

Dear 15 Year Old Me,

I know life seems hard right now, figuring out who you are and determining what you want your future to look like. I know that sometimes the wrong thing feels right and the right thing feels wrong and life is so damn confusing. But you can relax. We’ve all been there. You will make it through.

Here are a few things I would say to you if I could somehow rewind the clock for a day. I know our life would have turned out a bit differently if I had actually had this advice growing up.

First of all, you must make yourself a priority. Your relationship with yourself is the only guaranteed lifelong relationship you'll have. You are beautiful, worthy, and more powerful than you can imagine, so treat yourself like you are. Be kind to you and honor your feelings and choices.

If you look at yourself one day and you don’t like what you see, don’t be afraid to change. You are your habits, and small changes add up exponentially over time, so you don’t have to stay the same. I am not saying that it’s easy, but your life can’t be different if you are unwilling to change. Patience and persistence will ultimately pay off. But they usually do so very slowly, so take your time and give yourself a little grace. You are uniquely you and your fiercest competition should always be the version of you that you know you are capable of being.

You have to discover the things that make you happy, find things to be passionate about. Be the woman you dream of being. I hate to break it to you, but no one is waiting in the wings simply to take you away from your struggles. There is no such thing as Prince Charming. You will have to work for the life you desire, and if you are the best possible you that you can be, I promise you will have a vibrant life full of people to love and experiences to remember. 

Speaking of the people in your life, always remember to treat them well and choose them wisely. You will become like the people you spend time with, so find some encouragers and uplifters and mentors who have skills and lives similar to what you want. Want to be successful at school? Hang out with people who value education. Want to be great at a sport? Find friends who want to play at the level you aspire to. Want to own a business? Become an influencer? Be involved in politics? You are a reflection of those around you. Remember, you’re not who you’ll be 10 years from now, so look for people that reflect who you want to be, not necessarily who you are now.

When you are choosing your circle, pay attention to how they treat other people. True character shows in how they interact with people who can do nothing for them. Keep your antennae up and know that people are their repeated actions, NOT just their words. If someone talks badly of other people to you, they will do the same about you behind your back. If they lie about small things, they will lie about big things. You can’t control others’ actions, but you can control your own, so if you don’t like someone else’s actions, take control of your own and leave.

Never chase someone. Not at the expense of yourself. Yes, relationships take work and life is not like a tv show where every problem gets wrapped up in a half hour and then the credits roll. Worthwhile relationships require effort, but don’t confuse them with “takers”. These people take pieces of you and give nothing back. And they continue to do so until you have nothing left to give. Never chase those who use love as a weapon. Remember that your needs are equally as important and please don’t ever leave yourself out of the equation.

I know you’ve spent some time building up walls to protect yourself, but please knock down all your walls and replace them with boundaries. Walls are built in fear, always looking for what is wrong in every situation. Boundaries are built on love and a desire to create something healthy. Good boundaries will tell you when to say “enough”. And you DO have the right to say enough. To tell people no. To do what you want instead of what they want for you.

Take your time. Don’t rush things. Not your career choices and certainly not your relationships. If it burns hot and fast, it will probably burn out. Figure out how to kindle fires that last a lifetime. No one else’s timetable will be the same as yours. Don’t pressure yourself to do things because everyone else is. Learn how to prioritize the things you want so you can live life on your terms. 

And when it comes to dating, be open and curious. You have to find your preferences, know what you want, and discover how you work with others before you can possibly settle down. So don’t put pressure on it. Just let it be. You will never talk someone into something they haven’t decided they want for themselves, so let go of that burden. You can never persuade someone into loving you back, so don’t try. Be open with your own feelings, but don’t expect others to always be on the same page. Only time will tell what the future holds, but don’t hold your breath: Life doesn’t always work out the way you plan, but it doesn’t mean it wasn’t worth it.

Don’t look for a partner who makes you happy; look for someone who makes you want to be your best self. And never, ever settle for less.

Once you find an incredible person to do life with, live every day as if it’s your last with them. Appreciate this moment and stay present. Make memories and celebrate everything. Establish and maintain trust even if it hurts. Honesty is the most solid foundation you can build on. Everything else will wash away in a storm. Learn to accept information in a kind way, so people feel comfortable being honest with you. If you lash out at someone for their honesty, they will remember it, making it far more difficult the next time something comes up. 

And remember, true love is in the details. It’s hugs after a hard day, it’s sitting through the struggle, it’s making coffee in the morning, it’s fighting fair. Good love finds ways to work together on both sides. Both sides make mistakes, both sides work to make the relationship better.  It’s about simple, everyday gestures and thoughtfulness that makes life easier. It’s about being a good partner every day, not just once in a while. 

There are so many things I remember wanting when I was younger. Wanting to be pretty, cool, smart, independent, loved. People said “you can be anything that you want to be”. And they were right.

But they never added that getting the things I wanted from life was a process. There is a path to success and you have to make a plan. There is no one else out there who will put in the work to make you the person you want to be.

So, my advice for dating is this: Figure out who you want to be and how to chase her down step by step. Because once you've learned all about her,  and you know how she likes to be treated, you'll never settle for less. You will say to yourself, every single day, “I love you” and you will know exactly what that looks like.

I can’t imagine what my life would have looked like if I had learned these lessons at 15. Going through hard things has made me who I am today, but if I could have a do-over, these are the things I would learn a little earlier.